Thursday, November 27, 2008

I Cook Like I Fuck ...

That being said, "Happy Thanksgiving" everyone!

I'm going to a very generic dinner this afternoon at my significant other's brother's house, with "his side of the family." I didn't get asked to bring anything. Mark got asked to bring their traditional fare of "scalloped corn."

I know how to make this corny delight, since like all good food whores I swap recipes on the first date. And this corn is ultra-yummy! Dare I say, it f'ing rocks!

But, even though I've been with Mark for over three years, and widely accepted by his family since day one, I'm not allowed this year to bring any food because ... well, because I screwed up the Labor Day picnic by bringing my baked beans this year, instead of "Mark's Baked Beans" which in translation are the ******* Family Baked Beans.

My beans ... okay, they rocked the house and the backyard! And it wasn't as if the crock went untouched. Everyone ate the beans, had seconds and returned to scrape the cold dregs from the side of the crock onto tortilla chips until there was nothing left!

But at the end of the party, his sister said, "Your beans were really good, but not what I was expecting."

And I was thinking, Okay, I did not drink enough at this party, and was glad I was holding my BOB (Bring your own Bottle) of gin which I planned on slugging down the remainder of its contents while Mark drove us home.

What the F?!?!?!?

Then the next day, just goofing off, I related to Mark's Mom, that I guessed I screwed up and **** was freaked because I brought my beans instead of the family beans to the Labor Day thingy, and she goes, "Yes, those beans were good, but not what we were expecting!"

What the F?!?!!?

Previous to this, I was the best thing that ever happened to her wayward, lost empty son, and now I'm the person who brought weird-ass baked beans to the traditional family gathering.

I mentioned this to Mark's sister-in-law (who by the way is having the ****** Family Thanksgiving at their house this year, and she inasmuch as said,"Now you are catching on to the behind the scenes rules of being in this family, " and then we both drank shots!

Of note, I had the ***** Family Thanksgiving here last year, in our new place, and nobody died (but now I wonder how many weeks his mom and sister talked about all the "weird food she made!")

So when the ***** Family Thanksgiving was decided upon this year, emails were sent out (not by his sister-in-law who ultimately ends up having it at their house this year) but from his sister. Obviously, his brother was not going to organize the affair or the fare.

When we got ours it said, "Have Mark make the scalloped corn," and down at the bottom of the email it trailed off and said, "You guys can also bring some kind of Jello if you want." Translation: "Don't for, for fuck sake, Man!!!!! let Anne mess with the corn recipe, and if she starts whining, point her to the pantry and the Jello gelatin stores, but please, gods and goddesses, nothing crazy!"

What the F?!?!?!

And so, folks, I think this weekend there will be a lot of eating, fucking, writing, fucking and reposting/re-fucking of some earlier works that I've written and fucked around with over the years, that are all about ... you guessed it! Food, fucking, writing, fucking and sometimes just fucking and fucking!

And I shall begin with:

Voyage of the Damned Jello
When it comes to "dishes to pass,"
the once, twice or thrice divorced,
and otherwise unencumbered,
are often told or scolded ....
"Why not just bring some Jello."
It's as if they think we can't hold
even the simplest things together,
but they trust us with hot water,
and packages with instructions.
Even we can't mess that up, right!?!?!
---the thick of summer having arrived,
and you know what that means ...
pending holiday weekend picnics,
everyone offering up tricks or treats.
Loser votes are cast for the Jello prize.
I wonder will I win again this year?
Anticipating, I await the count,
that seals the deal on what dessert
I'm entrusted to provide for the holiday.
The chips and dip fall, and the Jell-O goes to ...
May I have the envelope please ...
and these words in careful script,
Anne: Bring some jello, dear,
and this year, put some fruit in it

I originally wrote this in the early 2000's and have revised it several times, but it was in honor of myself and two of my brother, because in a family of four sibs, we were the only "divorced ones."

Every family gathering it was always assumed that I was "too busy and too stressed out because I couldn't keep a man" to bring anything other than something store-bought or package-driven, and my brothers always got asked to bring the chips, or "bring some extra soda."

Any really big dinners or shin-digs had to be at my still-married brother's house, because our houses were obviously made of cards, and my big married bro's house was made of glass.

What the F'?!?!?!

One of my younger brothers lived very nearby and he was a single-parent with two kids, and we used to share a lot of meals together and a lot of holidays, game nights, whatever with our kids. And he could cook!

Over the years, I had seen potato salads, coffee cakes, and one year on Scrabble night, he called to say he had a "buttload of rhubarb" he didn't want to go to waste, so he was probably going to bake a pie.

And yet, over the years, he was listed as "chips," even though on another list my family had already written me off as a "dip," and I got asked to bring the Jello to any and all events ... and one, year by Golly!!!!!! they even trusted me to put fruit in it!

Holy Fuck!

Again, Happy Thanksgiving everyone, it's all about the food, the fucking and the families, it's not about arguing about whether the Native Americans saved our butts (although the Natives!!!!! always, always get my vote!), it's about families, and families have been around since caveman days!

So, eat, drink and be merry!

And look for more posts from me this long regarding food, fucking and writing. I'm making another T-day dinner on Saturday, a "my way or the highway" dinner for stragglers who couldn't get here on the actual day.

But right now, because my work world seems never to sleep or take a holiday, I must work ... which I love my job so you know what that means, it's so totally like f'ing, you would not believe!


Jennifer said...

Hooooo. I am a very grateful only child who married into a family of men (my husband's mother died early on in our relationship. I was in the process of getting divorced from my first husband in the beginning, too, so we were both in mourning). There are very little food expectations or family traditions.

I am relieved.

Though if I cooked like I fucked, I wouldn't be doing much cooking. So it goes with married with a preschooler life. Good thing I write and cook, to make up for the lack of ... well, you know.

Hope you had a good time yesterday, jello or not. And I hope everyone got what they were expecting.

Anne Cunningham said...

Had a blast and the food, while very, very traditional was yummy and very photogenic. I have a couple of food photoblogs that I follow, and I've become a food photo-taker as well, but sadly yesterday I did not have even my camera phone with me. And there was one item on the table from my sis-in-law (soon to be) which was fresh dice cranberries and other fruits and nuts, and it was AMAZING! So there is tradition, and there is always that one dish that manages to bust in from the "other side!"