It has been a rather lengthy last many months (okay, maybe years) but I made a concerted effort this past week (especially as I topped off what I had hoped to be a very organized and better September) to say to EVERYONE, "Excuse me please, let me check if I can fit that in *my* schedule, and I will let *you* know,etc. etc" at my ever and always cheerful convenience ... I then proceeded to check my own shit FIRST, and then get back to people on whether or not I could fit this, that or the blood other into my realm of understanding and well-being.
Yeah, I know, people have been all up in their own stuff already for years, and I’m just now getting with the program since generally I’ve been all "Okay, yeah, yeah, I got it, even though I’m on the fly and will probably die trying, I will get to that too, just never you all mind what other things I might have going on!"
Maybe some of it comes with being a woman, and a mom, and I’m certain a giant portion comes from the fact that I work from home, and have for these many years.
And so it's easily assumed (by some ASS!!!) that I’m "probably not doing anything anyway,” or worse yet the person who calls in the middle of the morning and asks, “Oh, did I wake you, I bet you were sleeping" because, you know, we home office peeps, that's all we do is NOTHING but SLEEP!!!
(quick disclaimer here: if I *was* sleeping it’s because I WAS UP ALL NIGHT WORKING, and so the phones are off, the cell too, and PLEASE DON’T COME OVER AND RING THE DOORBELL AND MAKE THE DOG START BARKING JUST TO MAKE SURE I'M STILL ALIVE, OR I'M GOING TO HAVE TO KILL YOU!) [whole other rant, I am telling you!]
Anyways, what I’m getting to is, if you don’t take time to regroup you will get smothered by the feeling that the whole world is using you for a doormat, and/or they are using your forehead to post their monthly calendars. However, when your feet need wiping (or anything else for that matter … seriously, accidents happen), they won’t be there, and don’t even try to put your dates on their forehead to see how things line up.
Quit with that already!
That would be too easy! I mean really, folks, all three people in a house and the various extended other family members involved don’t all have to get along, because MOM HAS THE MASTER CALENDAR FOR EVERYONE, right?!!?!? … and she can fight her own way out of that giant paper bag, ALL BY HERSELF!
Well, in fall, I regroup. I’ve looked forward to this autumn season, and I’ve marveled and unraveled in its blustery arrival, the entire time looking forward to reweaving myself back together again into something I can use, and into someone I can be sure has her best foot first, before she takes her wallet out, before she crosses the street, and before she lays down her best jacket so the whole world can use it to walk over their newest shit puddle they just made!!
The re-weaving was in full, no-turning-back swing by the start of this week, and I’ve noticed more of its ongoing and lasting effects. And it’s the kind of thing where those close to me (and some who wish they were further away) may love to hate what seems to be my rigid side coming out, compared to my usually soft pushed over form, but gradually things really have started cruising along in a manner where EVERYONE CAN LIVE A LIFE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, and I can almost see straight!
I took some very special time over this last month to say many very special things to family in my house, family out of my house, family trying to get into my house, people pretending to be my family and/or my best friend. Here are a few of the things that did a really good trick, almost instantly:
--“Can you not see, I’M PEEING?!?!?!? Please check with me later?” Sometimes, I will even follow this person down a day later and say, “Really, honestly, what if I was POOPING or something?!?!??!”
--“Do you see the tiny daggers coming out of my eyes, those are the same ones the coroner is going to dig out of your skull, if you DON’T LEAVE MY OFFICE RIGHT THIS MINUTE!”
--“What did you say, Lili?!!?!??!? Yeah, I know the sky is falling, but you said something really cute just now, and your words drip with gummy bears and all things nice, and so I don’t even care what I was just doing, or that a big giant chunk of sky is right now going to crash down on our head, just please really go back to the really cute thing you were saying so I can write it down and take a picture of you while you are saying it! … “ [okay, sometimes when 4Kindergarten Lili comes by in the afternoon, um, well, tell me you could concentrate on your own stuff for even ten minutes once she goes to tell you sumpin!]
Anyways, some of my responses below also worked just as well (except with my above-mentioned propensity to totally latch onto 4-year olds and never let them go again!!!! … and believe me there has been a long line of 4-year-olds in my life, so I know what I’m talking about. It’s the year you must pay full attention, or you MISS SO MUCH!)
But like I said, some of these responses worked as well …
--"I hear you, but I’m not paying attention, so you can continue to rattle off those dates right now if you want, but it would be better if you waited until I was also free at the moment, and then I could actually absorb, give thought and respond to what you are saying.”
--"I’m glad you are keen on your schedule, I will get back to you on how mine gels with this just as soon as I have a clear, concise moment for an equitable scheduling discussion."
Okay, really, I haven’t been saying some of the longer, Dr. Philly “let me be clear” with you things, because if you know me at all, I’m more into the more sarcastic ones where I fake horror and scream because you ARE talking to me while I’m peeing, and or pretend I can shoot lawn darts out my nostrils when you interrupt me. Plus one weekend, I flat out lied, stood in front of Mark and said that I “was working all day” on a Saturday and then I didn’t have to go do something stupid with him that I didn’t really want to do. I know, I’m going straight to hell!!!! for “not using my honest words” but I got a total DO NOTHING SATURDAY OUT OF THE DEAL!
But the main thing is, I’ve noticed that when I stop to take a breath, these people in my life (those closest to me) they actually start to notice that tiny intake, that itty-bitty pause, and they actually have made it possible for me to now cancel a doctor’s appointment I had next week for a very special “re-capitation” procedure.
Yes, you heard it here first! The day your head flies completely off it’s axis, you can have it sewn back on, but I will not have to go through this. No, Siree, not me! Not this year. Finally some of the old scars can start to heal.
I won’t be the rundown woman coming into the skull neuro-doctor’s office with part of her scalp hanging out of her tote bag, and there won’t be some compassionate nurse behind the counter saying, “Oh, you must be the chicken who has been running around with her head cut off; you poor, poor thing, come and sit down, here is some gin, and we aren't even going to wash it down with soda prior to your procedure, you can have it straight! We'll get you all fixed up just right!"
Nope, this year, after this week, atop 30 days of September and the start to the school year, the fall and winter season and busy, busy times of the year fully upon us, yes … this day, OCTOBER 2ND, I can say …
“I feel perfectly fine, on schedule, and I may even take a nap this afternoon before I go on to what’s been equitably and adequately and fabulously planned for the weekend!"
Do you know where your children are?!?!? [so to speak??!?!?!]
[and you also know that as soon as push “post” on this message all holy hell is going to break loose because i have tempted the gods!]
Now, that nap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!