7 to 47 in milliseconds ...

Believe it or not, this was my first radio, near as I can remember 1969ish, an AM transister run on a 9 Volt battery. I also had a record player, and later graduated to digital clock radio (middle school years), and boom box (high school) with a cassette recorder. (Not an odd jump that I end up transcriber of every word, since it's a lot like listening to music and picking out the exact lyrics.)

But when I was very, very young, it was me and my pink poodle transister which I received one Christmas from my Grandma H. I listened to it late at night, and I remember the trick of licking the battery to see if it had any zap left, because what was a little girl to do when her 9Volt died?!?!?

I always say my music tastes are "ecclectic" and it's difficult for me to pin down my favorite artist, etc. I have the same trouble with books and quite actually a number of things, if I'm hard pressed to list a favorite color, flavor, day of the week or season of the year.

It's possible my many personalities have yet to gel.

When I used to go to the movies with my best friend, she'd always ask, in so many words, "Which character most reminded you of you?"

This started way, way back and kind of ended by the time we hit "St. Elmo's Fire," and she could very easily name which character she was (Demi Moore because no matter what movie, she would pick the "hot" chick), and I identified with a number of them all mixed up together. By the time we got to SEFire, it was 1985, I lived out west, and came home to visit, seeing this movie with her while pregnant with my second child.

It got so it was no fun for her to ask me any more because I was clearly a split every time, always trying to gel all the people together into the person I most felt like I was at the time. And she might have been miffed, because I didn't really like "St. Elmo's Fire" and the brat pack were kind of a bunch of, well ... brats!!! ... or so it seemed to me, since I already had a husband, a child, owned a house and under my faded, untucked flannel shirt, my jeans were unbuttoned because I was heading out of the first trimester of that second pregnancy.

This mixed bag thing happens, though, every time I read a book or watch a movie. I don't associate with any one character, and it's usually from several sides of the fence that I end up seeing things, feeling "connected" on multiple avenues, and then if I have some time on my brain's hand, I go down six or eight side streets.

It is why I enjoyed my second stint in college, because while I focused on English, it too was a mult-faceted major brain tease!

I loved having the excuse to critically compare and contrast everything under the sun. I absolutely love looking into thing at great depth and finding something new each time to critically, compare and contrast to a seeming end ... only to find out that if you dissect the end, you can get right back in the middle of things, and critically compare and contrast until your brain bleeds and cries for sleep!

You can't ask me if I'm a "Lennon or McCartney," "a dog or cat person," or a "futon vs. conventional bed," which by the way, was dating criteria for a guy I dated in the mid 90s!

He was a Cat/Lennon/Futon-type and he was always trying to fit me into that square peg into my ... okay, we won't go there.

At the time, I didn't feel like I aligned with any of the Beatles, I had cats but look who loves dogs just as much, and I've spanned many types of bed situations (which probably is a whole other blog with footnotes).

So, it's difficult to pin the tail on the ass of my multi-faceted stubborn donkey brain and bleeding heart, you know?

Where does this all lead ...

... It leads to me, last night, very few rows back at center stage, seeing the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band live. Who knew things were possible, and who would have imagined that a band I listenedd to a billion years ago on my little poodle radio, would have their stop in our area prior to heading Canada and the rest of their tour.

When they sang, "Mr. Bonjangles," the moment my goofy multi-chambered heart was waiting for, I might as well have been 7 (instead of just turned 47) years old, lying on my Sears white frame bed listening to my pink poodle radio, living in this house.

So, sometimes, for brief seconds, everything gels. You know?!?!?!

A person can be all, yeah, so yellow house/Sears bed/Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, dude!

At 7 and/or 47!

It's all the same thing, except that it very likely isn't.

Okay, everyone critically respond, compare and contrast yourselves silly.

Try it, you might like it.

stroking out in the dark

because of you
i augmented my
lifestyle to half light
and then no light at all
afraid to make a move
or you would find me again,
stop me, dead in my tracks,
paralyzing my movements,
wickedly twisting my words.

i am living,
and yet not,
along the post-traumatic
jaded, off-avenue side streets,
afraid of my own shadow
petrified i'll be chosen
for a repeat performance,
a victim of the statistics,
unable to say my name.

in defiance to you
i fight to regain strength
the ability to face sunlight
with an upturned face,
running as the day streams,
screaming through the locks,
unleashing every dawn,
having rested in the dark,
no more night swimming.

At Best

"Still Life" by the modern artist, Mani de Li .

At Best

After some time,
age-old and seemingly wise,
you begin to understand
that life is a series of
fractured experiences,
with the ongoing goal
of achieving excellent purchase,
unachievable by any means,
all the failed re-approximations
and festering wounds,
proof-positive that
too much time is being spent
on hopes broken beyond
all recognition of dreams.

04/01/04

... I'm working up to something here, stay tuned ...

Seriously, where did the time go?

Ali turned 16 on Thursday. Bekah turned 24 in February, and Carol turns 26 in May! Yeah, and so I turn 47 in 12 days! And seriously, it all went by in, um, yeah, so, say … like a minute!!!!!

We had Ali’s 16th party with her friends, an “Alice and Wonderland Tea Party,” a local Italian place today. We had well over a baker’s dozen of kids there and it was fun to watch them all interact, because once the party got started, I sat at the “grownups table” across the room. And really, that’s where it kind of hits you that the tides are turning. Your youngest turns 16 and the “grownups table” has three chairs, and the “kids table” is huge!

That was three giant pizzas, and Dew and Pepsi for the “tea.” And some of the most creative and memorable presents, and two bouquets of flowers because two of the mom’s essentially said, “It’s her 16th birthday, she should be getting flowers!” It was just all to perfect and thematic and Alice-in-Creative-Wonderlandy.

Then she (Alice) is off and running and overnight at a friends. I take the gifts and the empty cake box home, and then had to run to the grocery story, because I’m having a party tomorrow afternoon here at the house (grownup gals!).

While I was at the grocery store, I ran into someone from high school, and she’s doing a double-take and says, “Do you live in the area now?” And I’m all, “Um, yeah, and so it’s been forever now that I’ve been back.” I mean, I lost track how long it’s been that I’ve been back in ....Wisconsin...., in this county, since it is the very first place I wanted to get out of when I turned 18. I’ve lost track!

We chit-chatted about what each of us are up to, and her kids are actually at the high school now, which I mentioned I thought I saw her from a distance at conferences last year. Her kids are one younger and one older than Ali, when she tells me their ages. And then she asks me, “How old is your oldest?” and I hear myself say, “She’s going to be 26 in May.”

Then I looked around to see who said that.

Twenty-six! What the heck?

And then I fill her in on the rest, “… and my granddaughters are 7, 6 and 4.”

And then I looked around and was thinking again, who just said that?!!?!

It was just too damn funny, and humbling and amazing and, well, humbling and AMAZING!

All I’m saying folks is, whatever you do, in whatever it is that you are doing in your life, and with whoever you are doing it with, DO NOT BLINK.

Did you hear me … DO NOT BLINK. Rinse and repeat!

Peace out!

p.s. This was my favorite quote from Alice's actual birthday on Thursday. We did a little shopping prior to going out to dinner. One of our stops was a craft store because we both wanted some funky new yarn. Then Ali goes, "Mom will you buy me some hemp?" And I'm all like, "Yeah, Ali, it's your 16th birthday and Mommy is going to buy you pot!! Think again."


Oh, they grow up so fast and then the next thing you know they are trying to pull illegal substances over your eyes.

We bought wool instead ... and the hemp, because one of her friends showed her how to "tie shell necklaces" during study hall, and admittedly I was sad that I wasn't "the one who ultimately showed you how to macrame," and at first Ali was all like "what the heck is macrame."

And then the old lady just shut right up and drove.

Rock, Paper, Scissors, Socks ... Pen!

1.When you think about rain, what comes to mind?

Standing naked in the dark wee hours on sandy patch on a property in Blank with Blank.

2.What are you totally terrified of?

Anyone who tries to drill me about information about #1.

3. Name your childhood hero?

I don’t think I had one. Childhood did not seem like a time where anyone was going to swoop in on the rescue.

4.What part of your body is the most attractive?

I have nice shoulders and perky stand on their own breasts.

5.What was the last compliment you gave?

"Oh, my aching I hate you so much!” but I meant it in a nice way.

6.What was the last compliment you received?

"I hate you too!” … okay, not compliments maybe, but terms of endearment.

7.What was the last movie you watched?

”Love in the Time of Cholera.”

8.What do you do with an unmated sock?

When the kids were little, made puppets. Otherwise use them for dusting. Most currently, tie them in a knot and give them to the dog.

9.Do you like wearing odd socks?

Define odd

10.Are you color blind?

Actually yes, when I see people, I don’t see color. However, when I coordinate outfits, pick out yarn and do everything else, I totally see color.

11.Who has really made a difference in your life?

Hazel Margaret.

12.If you could only use one form of transportation for the rest of your life, what would it be?

A pen.

13. My second use for a potato would be to ...

Carve on it and make ink blots.

14.Are you a vegetarian?

No, I like meat too much!

15.What is the first word that comes to mind right now?

Adamant. Adam Ant.

16.What is your favorite CD?

Don’t have a favorite. My music personality is far to split to have a favorite.

17.What is your favorite quotation?

Currently: The witty woman is a tragic figure in American life. Wit destroys eroticism and eroticism destroys wit, so women must choose between taking lovers and taking no prisoners … Florence King

18.Do you believe in hell?

I believe there are several versions of it here on earth.

19.What is an important lesson you have learned about pain in your life?

To a point, like the above-mentioned "hell on earth" kinds of places, pain seems necessary ... to a point. However, good luck finding that "point."

20.What does the world need more of?

Witty woman.

21.What are you looking forward to?

Taking lovers and/or prisoners.