Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Some Twisted Shit on the Stripper Bipolar Pole!
Because I couldn't sleep last night, and/or because I wouldn't let myself sleep since geeeeeeeeeGod and Goddesses, we all know when I'm depressed or otherwise brain-whipped, I love to sleep ----------- but still last night just like every night this week, sleep was not allowed until I was so tired, and it was so near sunrise that I thought my head was going to explode --- and that's why I was up watching yet another late night alternative flick on the telly and relating to every f'ing character in the flick until the cows left home this morning!
I'm totally schizoid when I watch movies and if they are "coming of [any] age" flicks the likes of which I watched last night and there is all kinds of angsty sexual tension and experimentation, liquor and drugs, sore butt-fucked holes, loose teeth and strained jaw bones, and a character at the end who kills their self because they "just got tired of being around," and then another character who is "left behind" plus a smattering of other characters all around the edges, well ALL THE BETTER for me to sink my bipolar teeth into my dear!
Top that under with the docudrama I watched before the actual fabulous alternative flick, the poetry I read before that, part of a book I perused, some artwork I did before that, a little night swimming and net surfing, AND some stuff I wrote ALL BY MYSELF!!!!! but will swear has NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH MY F'D UP SELF, and you fully well know that "morning" didn't really find me till around one p.m. today, because falling asleep at 4:30 a.m., I had to try to get as many hours as possible before beginning the very real parts of every one of my remaining days on this planet!
Lately, I have a blistering bad relationship with the very real parts of every one of my days. I'm this amazingly productive, stable and yet wholly distorted and overwhelmed wench of a shit bitch!
So in order to counter-attack that feeling I start the days late, and then I run them into way-past-midnight-and-on-into-fucking dawn ground!!!!!
Every [late ass] morning when I peel my eyes open, and try to look into the light, I keep telling myself today will feel different, because I know stuff like this does pass, finally, at some point before the whole cycle begins again. Somewhere in there, I usually get some real rest.
It has, however, not passed quite yet and so ... I have this f'd up thing going on where I think I can "sleep off the funk" by sleeping well into the next day, as if by sleeping past the start of a day and well into that same day, I can sneak past my true, heavily guarded hairy daylight FEELINGS ABOUT THINGS!
And this is how I've found myself this week in one twisted cluster fuck of a mess where, if I could, I would PUNCH MY OWN EYES OUT FOR BREAKFAST!
And I'm warning you right now, this blog will be followed at some point by a blog, from the other end of the tunnel, which will feature me in a pressed apron, waxing and waning poetically on how I just alphabetized my entire pantry closet and then mosaic-tiled the entire roof of our house with alternating bits of broken purple and black glass!
I know, I make myself sick too, don't even get me started ...