Saturday, March 2, 2013

The Direction of my Dreams ...

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." -Thoreau

These are the words of wisdom on the back label of the Organic Raw Kombucha I'm drinking, my "drink me" potion, as I continue to fall down the rabbit hole of a full night's worth of work, much of it "right this very f’ing minute/needed that an hour ago” and very, very time-sensitive and deadline related. 

So I got kind of pissy tonight when Markypants came up from the garage, after a full day in the "man cave" with his best friend, ate, watched TV, started to fall asleep on the couch and then was heading to bed. 

We (okay he?!?!?) hadn’t really considered making any face-time contact with me today, knowing both our schedules (it was his day off, and not my day off … but there were still ways we could have remained “connected” and on sort of the same weekend page).

Anyhoo … he stopped at “go,” on his way to our bedroom, didn’t think and then walked right through my donotdisturbmecan’tyouseethedoorisclosedtightlyandI’mnotevenlettingthedogsinrightnow door!

He then crossed the room toward me, even though I had already raised up my hand with the “stop, don’t even start talking” motion, palm out … but palm out, only for seconds, because then I went head back down, and put that hand back on the keyboard.
He came closer ANYWAY!

I was all whattheholyfuck!?!?!??!

He said he just wanted to kiss me goodnight, and then he made some kind of snarky comment like, “What?!?!?!?!  Are you ignoring me now?!?!?!?”

If I wasn’t in the midst of A FUCKING DEADLINE, KILL ME NOW!!!!!!!!! … I would have said, “Oh, you mean ignoring you like the response I get when we’re spending a rare night together (aka you are watching TV and I’m talking to myself) and … well, and because there wasn’t time for one of those stupid kind of bickerfests, even though they’re fun because we end up out-sarcasm’ing each other and then laughing.  BETTER.THAN.SEX!

Well, you know the drill.  We get it but they don’t.  

If we interrupted them at work, OH MY GOD, or while football was on, or …

Well, I’ve also been getting interrupted for years, while I work, because I work at home.  Everyone supposedly “gets” this, but everyone also might as well be “un-getting it” when they go, “I know you’re busy, that’s why I’m just going to BOTHER YOU FOR A SECOND.”

Or when I’m sleeping because I just finished working and they go, “I know you’re sleeping but … “


They BOTHER YOU FOR A SECOND and it either kills concentration or disrupts sleep and dreaming!!!!

Just saying ...

So, yeah, I barely “air-kissed” him tonight, and then rolled my eyes back into my head, put my hands back on the keyboard and went back to work. 

I must have said 1400 times this week, “Just a reminder I have a big contract and stuff I’m working on this weekend and unfortunately extra hours,” but it fell on the only deaf ears that are left in this empty nest of a house!

And you know, I’m aware of the hour when I'm working.  I'm oriented to time and place.  I eventually would have had a lull in the onslaught of time-sensitive/get it out the door stuff tonight, and I would have left the confines of my office and crossed the hall to hang out a bit to say a proper goodnight. 

But, for the most part, he was saying, “Hurry up, let be bother you because I want to go to bed!”  It wasn’t about what was convenient or what would work for the both of us. 

It just burns me sometimes!

Barring the fact that anyone was standing in front of me bleeding, or ready to deliver a baby with its cord wrapped around its neck, or maybe choking, I’m trying really hard (now, especially when the nest really is empty) to stay focused on my work.

And I’d like it to feel less like a struggle and less like I’m the bitch who won’t take your phone calls … when truth be told, I really won’t take your phone calls until I get my shit done, so get over it!

So it’s not okay to say, “I’m not trying to bother you, but I’m just going to bother you for a quick minute …”
Just.not.okay.ever!!!! Unless you are hemorrhaging, or something (see above list) and act polite and accordingly, PUHLEASE!

Shit really can wait, and no one will die.  I’m learning that I’m embracing that.  So.there!

Weird how kind of angry this post sounds, and weird that it sounds like I'm a raging bitch who wouldn't even lift their face up from their computer/work to air kiss their loved one goodnight, but really this post is not angry at all.

... and it is a risk, now and then, and also a lesson therein, to realize that you can say HOLD IT FOR
ONE DARN SECOND, and the world can survive without you!

P.S. I wrote this during a lull in work tonight, but not while I ate my late dinner.  I did both separately, wrote this post and then ate my salad, because I’m learning to take risks, all kinds of them, but also to do things one at a time, in real time, taking time … learning as I go.  

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