stroking out in the dark

doubling up on the double dare as per my rest o' the weekend plan ... a piece of writing overlaid on a piece of collage, moving toward the continued work on the rest of my stroke/survival story. this poem was written also the summer of my stroke recovery after many attempts at biking to the lake and swimming at sunset, and trying to feel like myself again. part of the reason that i'd swim at sunset was that i'd bike there after working, have to lay in the sun (vitamin D) and rest, would swim till the sun dipped into the lake, then bike home and sleep for 8 solid hours under the electric blanket on high.

i was severely anemic that summer, but didn't know it. i quit biking after the 4th of july. beyond that point, i'd lay in the sun in the back yard after work every day, which i'm sure helped, and the fact that i wasn't exercising any longer didn't hurt either since i couldn't maintain my weight any longer. i was too pooped to do anything else.

i wrote this poem late summer/early fall after i FINALLY went to my family doctor and asked for help (not my strong point), admitted i no longer felt like myself inside or out. this was after a dizzy spell or two, and this is when i found out about the anemia and some other things a person finds out about the aftermath of a stroke, followup and recovery even if they think they're one of the "lucky ones" who made it through without a hitch.

THE WRITING AND THE ART (and this puts me well into this double-dare writing and art-farting every day process!):

the poem also in text since this is an 8 x 10 collage but may not be read-able in this format on scan over:

stroking out in the dark

because of you
i augmented my
lifestyle to half light
and then no light at all
afraid to make a move
or you would find me again,
stop me, dead in my tracks,
paralyzing my movements,
wickedly twisting my words.

i am living,
and yet not,
along the post-traumatic
jaded, off-avenue side streets,
afraid of my own shadow
petrified i'll be chosen
for a repeat performance,
a victim of the statistics,
unable to say my name.

in defiance to you
i fight to regain strength
the ability to face sunlight
with an upturned face,
running as the day streams,
screaming through the locks,
unleashing every dawn,
having rested in the dark,
no more night swimming.

-late summer/early fall '02