Thursday, April 29, 2010

sliva?!?! you mean, salvia? aka why i love my workouts at the gym

WHY I LOVE MY WORKOUTS, a short play after some exorcising exercise acts

[me, just finishing up, refilling my water bottle, getting rid of my towel, etc. etc.]

JON/DAVE: [in unison and followed by a woman I don’t’ know] Where’s Anne? Anne will know.

ME: Know what?

JON: The stuff you can get at the grocery store?

ME: Okay … [I mean, really, give me a little more to go on!]

JON: Silva?!?!?

ME: For … ?!?!?!?

JON: Pain.

ME: Salvia?!?! [My mind was racing because first I was thinking Silvadene, but that’s from the pharmacy and for burns.]

JON: That’s it! It’s some kind of controlled substance.

ME: It is not! It’s more like a herbal something-or-other.

DAVE: I think I have some of that growing in my yard.

ME: Oh, I see, you guys were trying to come up with a medicinal herb and it’s all “Ask Anne,” or translation “ask a hippy.”

MURIAL: [the woman I did not know until now] This is Anne?!?!! [as in Anne Anne, not to be mistaken with someone who is just another Anne and not “that Anne.”]

[I am introduced to Murial and also her friend Marge, the woman who won first place in the holiday incentive contest …grrrr, yeah, I’m still upset about that, especially since up until today, four months after the contest, I had never seen her in the gym! I will beat up Marge later, now that I know what she looks like, but back to Murial and the controlled substance conversation!]

ME: [me looking perplexed and making a mental note to get the back story from Jon on how come my reputation precedes me since he’s the one who has obviously told Murial who I am, prior to her having ever met me.]

JON: Yeah, Salvia, it supposed to be like marijuana.

DAVE: Maybe I should go sit out in my Salvia and see what happens.

ME: I’m not sure if you smoke it or … [then I hand Jon a flyer off the counter about how there is going to be a community drug collection for old prescriptions in the next week or so.] I dunno, Jon, maybe see if you can get an official name tag of a sort and help with the community drug collection and you could pocket some.

JON: I already save my own old prescriptions and then I take them all at once to see if I can get a buzz.

ME: Do you crush them and snort them, or … ?!?!?

MARGE/MURIAL: [you totally know they want to know how it is that I’m in the know about this, or if I just know about this, I mean, I am “that Anne.”]

DAVE: What’s with all the snorting! Why does everybody have to be snorting!

[Everybody talking at once and saying how they are going to rush home and Google the hell out of the WWeb for anything and everything about Salvia]

CAROLINE: [who has just arrived at the gym]. We had marijuana growing around our silo years ago. Apparently the birds brought it in.

DAVE: Tell that to the police!

CAROLINE: They also said it was not ‘very good stuff.’

ME: Apparently the birds forgot to drop Miracle Grow around the silo too.

[Then one of the fitness staff comes over and takes Caroline’s blood pressure and it’s 158 over something equally as horrible]

CAROLINE: Why on Earth is my blood pressure so high?!?!?!

ALL OF US: You just finally ousted yourself on your previous drug history!

LISA: Better go to confession! [Caroline is devout.]

CAROLINE: I think I better sit here a minute and have my pressure checked again. I’ve never been so high before!

[the end … except it isn’t … because I always go back because I like the endorphins that come from exercising and these priceless “after exercise” conversations!]


Anonymous said...

Anne - this was great fun to read. Very funny - I love how you introduce the everyone - especially yourself. Nice.

Anne Cunningham said...

thanks. i swear when caroline said, "i've never been this high," regarding her blood pressure that my next line was going to be, "i've never pissed my pants in the gym laughing before either!"