Saturday, May 9, 2009

Hot Rod Hearts ...

Folks, if I didn't play with words all day, I'd go crazy. Some might point out that because I play with words all day, I am crazy. Dunno, the jury is still out on that one.

But here's some fun stuff. The other night doing some work for an acute care hospital, every single one of the consults I did had heart concerns, to which you are saying, how bloody interesting for you Anne. Not!

Oh, but it is, I'll show you. I pulled a few of the words from each of the reports, on each heart that was being consulted upon:

There appeared to be a small mass or vegetation seen on the mitral valve, specifically on the anterior leaflet ... Um so, doesn’t this totally make you picture a heart with vines growing all around it, like one of those houses covered with ivy, that no one is caring for, and gradually they cover the whole house including the windows.

Because there are cardiac windows, you know. They sound kind of hopeful, don’t they "You have limited opportunity with me, but my cardiac window won’t be open forever you know!" Or, I guess they can sound kind of desperate.

She has calcified mitral apparatus. Okay, so tell me that doesn’t sound like a heart that has turned to stone, with no turning back. At least with vines growing over the windows, you have a chance, but solid stone?!!?!?

Sick sinus syndrome … sounds like the heart has cried out too loud, too many times, and now has a stuffy nose.

Trapped left lateral ventricle. I hate when that happens. It sounds like you are stuck in an affair, held down by your left ventricle, and you just can’t get out.

Cardiac silhouette, hearts dancing in the night, how sweet, shadows of intrigue.

Wandering atrial pacemaker .. is that when your pacemaker, gets sick of your heart and starts “seeing other people?!?!?!”

Flailed anterior leaflet of the mitral valve. Okay, so clearly a heart that’s been beat to death! Unfortunate.

Permanent pacemaker. I think that’s what your heart feels it has had installed when you finally meet your soul mate. That is, of course, if vines haven’t completely covered your cardiac windows and that no one has flailed your heart into a million pieces.

Pacemaker interrogation. That’s when the heart police come by and check out your heart pacing history to see if you been aflutter at any point in the recent past. And/or it’s probably like a talk show where they put your heart to a lie detector test in order to see just who it’s been beating for!

Irregular, regular rhythm … on a heart lie detector test, maybe not so good. But, if you are falling in love, all the better.

Irregularly irregular rhythm … you are either totally in love, and/or totally screwed!

Remote “cabbage,” but what the doctor is really saying is remote CABG (coronary artery bypass grafting), but it always makes it sound as if the patient has had cabbage for dinner at some point.

All I know is the heart when you dissect it makes for a pretty messy salad.

And so, yeah, upper case in point, if I didn't experience an atrial thrill and flutter working with words all day I'd go nuts! Or am nuts, tough call.

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