Friday, July 31, 2009

Holy F'ing Kiss, Batman!!!!!




I feel two ways about dreams. Number one, I agree that many things that are left on your desktop and not filed away in your hard drive, or otherwise adequately dealt with or deleted, will fly out in your dreams while you try to sleep. I know, I made our heads sound like computers, but they are sort of, right?

Secondly, while I like dream journaling and dream dictionaries where you pick a word or object in your dream and try to find out what it symbolizes, and what it really means, I don’t really take that route, wholly.

I like better the idea that you are supposed to note, upon first waking from the dream, and/or first calling it up later in the next day, what you were feeling about that dream, all told up to its very end. It’s more about what you are feeling that what the dream means.

And now for your listening/blogging pleasure, I will give you a dream I had last night which totally knocked my dream socks off … and yes, I was wearing socks to bed, because we’ve been having that “good sleeping weather” where the breezes drift in and I’m a wimp, and my feet get cold!

Anyways, the dream:
I am in it … yes, we are often the stars of our own dreams! And a very close friend, writing cohort and lover of words and other such was in the dream with me. We were at a local pub, which had just opened, run by some friends of mine who had just recently closed their first pub in order to open this newer, improved pub.

[this was very much on the surface of my mind because i’ve been very, very busy of late, and they did open the new pub, and i went when it opened, but they keep begging me to come back since!]

So, me and close friend/writing cohort/lover of words-and-other-such are sitting at a table or booth. I am pretty sure it was not directly at the bar, or perched high on proverbial barstools, because judging by what happened next, that would have been far too public (for even one of my dreams!!!) and I would have fallen right off my barstool in the midst of it, because I’m a gangly 5 foot, 10-inch clutzoid! We would have both fallen to our DEATHS!!!! as one can only imagine!

So booth-y type set-up or two chairs parked at a table it was, and we were shoulder tight, and heads turned in very close, deep conversation the likes of any two close friends/writing cohorts or lovers of words and other such! Just chatting and catching up and picking apart any number of subjects, right?!!?!

And then, HE KISSED ME!

ON.THE.LIPS!!!!!

Well, obviously on the lips, but I’m only just saying.

And then there was all the usual stuff that goes on with kissing like first your eyes are open, and you are sort of sitting side-by-side, but now suddenly in each others face, but it's still sort of a suprise of a kiss, and then you are both looking at each other, and deciding whether it’s going to be more than just that little kiss, or if for instance (and I’m not saying this happened in my dream BUT IT TOTALLY DID!!!) he’s going to be darting his tongue in my mouth, to which of course my tongue darts back, our eyes close and we are kissing like mad!

Then there is more of this Holy Shit Batman, we are kissing!!!! thing going on, and this is where our eyes are open again, and we are looking at each other as if we have just seen each other for the first time, and then there is this shy, we are kind of still kissing, but not really, and then he’s doing this thing where he “bites” at my lower lip pout, and I in response bite back!!!!! catching his upper lip ever-so- … ever so what?!!?!? ever so what, is right! I’m not supposed to be kissing him!

So you can see why it’s impossible that we were propped up on any sort of side-by-side barstool arrangement because we totally would have lost our balance and fallen in a fit of passion onto the floor, or a fit of sheer surprise with passion mixed in, or something!

And I’m only saying this because I very nearly fell out of my dream when this happened! And it’s almost a full 24 hours later and I still can’t find my socks!

But instead, I stayed in the dream, and in the dream it becomes the next day and I’m all worried about, Okay, what the hell was THAT, that happened last night?!!?!
I mean, sure there’s an attraction there, but there is also this thing called, how complicating would that be since we both are involved with other people, and so the whole idea is just crazy! Crazy, I say!!!

Until it happened! (in my dream of course)

And I’m also trying to just get through this regular next day, as if it’s just any old regular day in my life of regular days, which during this particular time in my life, the next day found me working, while also chatting in varying manners (computer, phone and smoke rings) with all three of my daughters in prep for middle daughter’s wedding, in keeping with older daughter’s relocation and solidifying plans to pick up younger daughter in time for the wedding weekend, house closing stuff, landscaping concerns, etc. etc., and oh, yeah, I have a boyfriend and a very lot of this WE PLAN TOGETHER!!!!!

Gradually, my next day in the dream continues and I’m sort of able to put the whole kissing thing aside because in all the forms of communication available to me, I have not heard a word from the Kissing Person (we’ll just call him that to protect his innocence), not a phone text, not a yahoo.com mail, not a phone call and nary a smoke ring. So, I’m starting to be all
whew, that was close! I guess it was really nothing!

And then I check my hotmail.com email (my default mail) which I hardly ever use, so I only check it every other week or so, and there it is, AN EMAIL FROM HIM!!!! THE KISSING PERSON!

In so many words he mentions the life-altering nature of our kissing, and I can clearly see the words on the screen saying that he is now done with his wife (FOR REAL!!!) and her “never-ending ‘to do’ list” or some such madness, and no one is pushing him around any longer, and I’m all it and the bomb and the rest, and then … I WOKE UP!

And the first thing I thought and/or felt was, Geez, Kissing Person, that kind of mail should have been sent directly to my yahoo.com address, because all day I had myself talked into the fact that this wasn’t as complicated as I made it out to be, and I had pretty much downsized it to a minor passionate kissing speed bump, and now I get this email! … in my dreams!!! Yeah, I know, but still! You know?!?!!?

So what was I feeling!?!?!?!?! No longer relieved that it was just something silly that happened in passing, because it really, really was KISSING, and slightly guilty, oddly tickled that I could still remember what the kissing "felt" like, then even more guilty, and yeah I think that about covers it. Guilt! with a side order of HOLY COW WHAT A KISS!

These dreams, complicated much?!?!?!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

cheating ... well, kind of (for our picture challenge)

Kerry picked the pic this time ... this is my words to go with it, which it wasn't so much that I couldn't think of fresh words, or didn't have time to write something fresh, but the total surround-y-ness of the water in this one, and the person in the pic made me think of this one ...


wading, waiting no more

teetering,
on the very edge,
i gave up
and ventured in.

waiting...

... you do not follow.

wading ...

.... the water tickles
laps at my ankles
travels my shins,
well past my knees.

waiting ...

... you do not follow.

wading ...

... dangling limp,
my wrists submit
sea weeds and algea
adorn my hips.

waiting ...

... you do not follow.

wading ...

... breasts on wave,
then drowned,
neck and shoulders
shrug on a liquid cowl.

waiting ...

you do not follow.

wading ...

... final descent
water replaces air,
my eyes are erased
my ears open to the sea.

waiting ...

... i do not hear you calling.

... done wading.
okay, gary, your turn and then yippy skippy i get to pick the pic and start the word ball rolling again. :)

Monday, June 29, 2009

infinite margins















infinite margins

hell bent
side lying
hanging back
lost in the shadows
flowers turn to seed

the grass
lies anemic
either side
of this long yard
both sides cry for rain

i long
to scale
waylaid dreams
marking the way
grace lives at water’s edge

in tears
on cleanse
i fully erase
who I was then
forever free of fencerows


i preferred no puctuation and fence-rowed (starting out small and elongating)formatting for this one. this is part of a picture-to-word challenge i'm doing with gary gebert/blynd-poet and perhaps one other blogger if he takes the dare. the picture for this one by G. Gebert, my words to follow, to which he and the "other" blogger will follow .... first dare, was my pic/followed by everyone's words ... and so on and so forth ...

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Pandora's Sewing Box





Pandora’s Sewing Box

I can’t name the reason,
or the shame that rides behind
my sad eyes or the sullen fact
that beneath good, strong white thread
and equally as worthy black cord,
hidden within and without all the needles,
the thimbles, and a hay-stacked cushion of pins,
lies what seems like such ancient lost history,
so you must understand, then, my surprise
at its still-born voice beyond these years of reason,
this notion of what we had created up and out of us,
this thing lying bold face among the fluff
of quilt squares and denim saved for patching dungarees,
this nothing-more-than-a-piece-of-cardboard test stripping,
its thin pink and blue lines, side by side, barely breathing,
yet intent on announcing the delivery of a neverland arrival,
the tell-tale screeching nature of this end in miscarriage,
the absolute wicked injustice that we couldn’t even get that right,
screams for a a way out of my closed throat, as I clap my hands
in an effort to produce a thunder loud enough to mute the heartbeat,
dulling, dimming and dumbing down the residual pain and disbelief
over retained feelings hidden far deep beyond the labor of loss,
freaked at the sight, rummaging in an old box for the strong fiber
I think I can take back into a well-lit room to begin again anew.

Goofy ass poetry note:
I don't always understand, or even pretend to know, the how's and why's behind a poem's beginning rise to it's bittersweet ending.

However, in reformatting this piece to fit Blogger, I picked a too-large a font size which left the last word of every line hanging alone on a new
LINE!!!!

Right before, I did the "select all" and changed the font, I scanned down each of these last words, orphaned on their own line, and they read in this particular order:

reason
behind
fact
thread
cord
needles
pins
history
surprise
reason
us
fluff
dungarees
stripping
breathing
arrival
miscarriage
right
hands
disbelief
loss
fiber
anew!

Oh my aching poetry!!!!! us ... fluff!

Important Image Note:
Giclee print "Pandora" by John William Waterhouse (1949-1917)

Friday, June 12, 2009


Saving Grace

Burnt twice past
a Sunday,
I’m not sure
it's shyness,
this quiet way
in which I protest.

My feelings,
or the shadow
looming over
my scary lot,
is not as bizarre
as my screaming.

Who do you
think you are--
--my mother?!?!?
renews the shame
among the sad remains
of who I have become.

From the inside.
sticking too far out,
the frail sticks,
and heavy stones,
I used for bones
shatter at my feet.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Torn to be Wild ...

My writing of late has the continued mention of rain, as if it's an oddity for this time of year.

Then, today, I pulled an old journal art notebook down, looking for a specific collage piece (above), and I note the dates June 9th on through the 11th and so on, in the year of my life 2004.

And what are the first words after the notation June 9th, "...end of the day June 9th. The temperatures have dropped dramatically with this new onslaught of rain. Lovely. Will be most excellent 'sleeping' weather' around here and as I once coined the phrase in one of my poems, [it's] 'summer supremely'."

I note another upside to the day, in that same journal entry, in that I've managed to write a poem, which "lifted my spirits since I felt as if there wasn't going to be time to get something to the page at all this week. What luck!"

As I traced back my skull today (June 9-2009) I had trouble recollecting what the fuck poem I was even talking about!!??!?! since I've written hundreds and so what the f' was I doing lamenting time lost in that venture?!?!?

However, because I have works online far-gone past, I clicked to an archive to see if there actually was a poem very specifically posted on June 9th-2004, since I did allude in my journal that getting one to the page was not the easiest thing in that timeframe, and indeed ...

in the thick of june

the whirring of the fan,
occasional rap-beating,
some distance away,
thumping inside the trunk
of a souped-up car.

the stirring of leaves,
rising and falling curtains,
muted television voicebox,
providing blue half-light
as shadows play.

the spurring of emotions,
yours, mine and ours,
knuckles hitting plaster,
walls coming down,
toes pointed in dance.

the slurring of words,
mouths searching,
beyond pouty lips,
sigh-sound meter
of time well spent.

the purring of souls,
scattered hair to pillows,
orange rinds peeled back,
cold fruit to soothe,
love's fire still burning.

the blurring of visions,
raindrops dancing
rhythmically roof-top,
nature's tribal beat,
singing us to sleep.

... and there you have it circa June 9th-2004.

Yeah, so I guess I see why I was pleased. I remember what brought about the piece ... the June bugs hitting the screen, cars thumping on the highway, Paul and I humping in the bedroom and Gwendolyn Brooks' poem "Jazz June," we die soon, ever and always in my head.

So it strikes me f'ing weird how we experience a time and a place and a series of rainy days, and we think it's unique, odd, strange to be happening "this time of year."

And then we come to find out, another threatening-to-rain-for-the-how-many-days-in-a-row-day-in-June of 2009 (this time) that we and it aren't that special or unique.

The times, they repeat themselves.

The emotions on the other hand ... maybe if I open every journal I've ever penned or look between the lines of every poem I've ever written in June, the rain and the tears will be there, but in a multitude of ways.
June 11th 2004, I note "... the rain is insane! Really heavy at 7 a.m." but a great blue heron breaks through the grey sky and I tear up some paper and put his likeness in my journal.

On this day, Bekah is graduating from high school. Freaky weird, because in two years from this June 2009, on maybe yet another rainy day, Ali will have graduated too, three kids total flown from the nest ... toot sweet. Time flies when you are having fun notating all the rain!

June 12th-2004 finds me notating a trip to the some kind of craft and art emporium with Paul because I'm hell-bent on my collage art now that I've discovered the joys of ripping up bits of paper and reapproximating them into something new.

It had made me realize that the "resurgence of this other artform [beyond poetry/writing] has really fueled me, inside and out. I'm seeing themes build in my collage work as well as in my poetry --or better to say -- as I have previously seen in my poetry. The recurring themes are both the same +/different," and I was all like holy, fucking hey!




I was so ramped up by the end of my entry on June 11th-2004 that I ranted about the craft/art store and how it had closed at the "ungodly hour of 8pm!!!"" when didn't they know that "artists dont' really sleep! This place should serve coffee in 'go cups' ... for the quick dash in for emergency supplies."

However, in the end, I had less stress over the matter, realizing I had "gotten what I needed to begin with, or should I say to continue with since I've more than just started the whole dive into this 'physical' art world beyond or behind the words."

So, I guess that's what it's all about these rainy, sky-crying days which seem to be forcing us to notice something unique about them, when in the end we note the same-same but in a different way ... and we continue on realizing we have everything to begin with, and we've more than just started.

Or I could have just gone fucking crazy with all the rain.

The jury is out on this.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

phlox flux







Tired and Ready for a Bed of Phlox

Lilacs, busted from the branch,
their twiggy stems beaten
with a wooden meat mallet
(because heaven knows, if it doesn’t kill you,
a beating just might make you stronger)
as they rest now three rooms away from here,
filling the entire house with their thick scent,
their, hello, I’ve survived to decorate your house,
whether you like it or not, here to stay in your face;
however, down the hall, around too many sharp corners,
I’m night-scheming for the moment the wild phlox bloom,
out of sight for winter months, carrying zero scent on arrival,
they bud and peak each moonlight night prior to their ultimate
color explosion of white, pink and lavender as far
and as wide as a crow can fly a country block,
to which my only wish this darkening evening,
is to find the freedom, on daylight, to roll in phlox flux,
releasing their petals and the hard lump in my throat
which I fear tonight is the bulk of too many long-held tears.