Pandora's Box ....

I've been paging through my personal archives in the last many weeks, written word, online stuff, my poetry, writing, old emails, snail mail, even some significant papers and thoughts I penned while back in college the second time around, old grocery lists, check stubs, etc. ... anything and everything that might help me define my self, or where I left off.

I'm on the verge of making a "to do" or "stick to this" list, kind of like New Year's resolutions long overdue, as part of my "30 days and this will be habit" personal project.

My "Me Project" felt like it had a slow start, which I lamented about yesterday, since I planned to start but felt like I was bogged down at the starting line, even though the gun had gone off.

I've been trying to define the chronic funk, thinking that once defined, I could then attack and be done with it.

Thinking like this, I wondered why the slow start, and how come I can't even come up with a plan of attack, the "to do," or "stick to this" list of personal reminders that will once again become habit.

By defining the funk, I figured it would be easier to dig my way out of it, but I'm realizing now that the "stick to this" list will be a gradual build. It's completion and practice will lead me to a better understanding of what the "funk" actually was, how it got there, took up head space and has been squatting there for years infected the rest of my self.

It's not like I can go to Anne-ipedia and in two seconds look up "Annes Fucked up Funk" and then go to selfcure.com and find the ingredients to fix things overnight.

I had been going about it all wrong, thinking I just had to name it and then fix it. Done!

Sitting here today, having realized the longer processional nature of this journey I'm embarking upon, I was thinking of a talk I saw on PBS a few years back. More than likely, I was "listening" to the talk while also working and doing any number of other tasks at hand. However, some of what was being said I wrote down, so I must have realized I would need it at some point.

In my office, this afternoon, I was able to turn around and reach for the exact notebook where these words were. Weird, I know, because there are A LOT OF NOTEBOOKS!

And I did find the words immediately. It was somewhat remarkable to note, that while I did jot down these things as they struck me, I then continued to fill the notebook with other things, living a life, completing that notebook and starting and finishing how many others? Seven years passed since I jotted down these "notes," but it was obvious I wrote them down knowing I'd know just when I'd need them.

The words I'm speaking about came from a motivational talk given by a woman named Barbara Sher, a life/career coach, although I'm not even sure if that's even close to describing her pep.

Today, I was most struck by two scrawled sentences in that notebook, gleaned from her talk:

"If you like it, there is a reason."

And later on the page ... "Do things while you still hate yourself."

Both statements confirmed for me that I'm heading in the right direction with my "stick to it" list. As I redefine for myself what has worked in the past, this "stick to it list" will be a list of "loves" versus hateful things that have bogged down my progress.

I likely will not write this list in one sitting; it will be a "work in progress," which ironically is the name of my business. So, yeah, bells went off, and a light bulb turned on, and I almost peed myself.

Work in Progress. Doy!

What is also important to note is that re-starting these things that I love, is/has been like pulling teeth. That has been a difficult phenomenon for me. I mean, really?!?!?! If you like something, and it "works for you," doy!!!! Don't you do it all the time, without asking or telling yourself that you should?

Well, you would think so, but obviously I haven't been living like that for a long time, and I'm having to re-learn this whole concept.

As I continued to think about this, and Barbara Sher's talk from so many years ago, I did some netting about. I read a bit into Ms. Sher's newest book on Amazon this afternoon, "sneak-peeking" at what she has to say currently, and also spent a wee bit of time on her website prior to bookmarking it.

I was especially interested in what she describes as "scanners," in that "Scanners love to read and write, to fix and invent things, to design projects and businesses, to cook and sing and to create the perfect dinner party."

She goes on to note that she uses the word "and" here and not "either/or" because Scanners don't love one or the other of these things, THEY LOVE THEM ALL!

She later describes how this might sound lovely, but also consider the fact that Scanners are like a kid stuck in a candy store, with difficulty in choosing just one favorite.

It's easy to see how a Scanner might become hopelessly sidetracked and locked into thinking that they are supposed to pick just one thing to believe in or strive for, when in reality they just need to be organized and stop feeling bad because they essentially love a lot of things.

Later, she also discusses the difference between Scanners and someone with ADD. She also discusses (and this had the most interest for me) the difference between a Scanner and someone who might be otherwise depressed:

The types of attention span problems that have to do with depression are quite different than job-interest attention span. When you get so you can't read a book (and even newspaper articles) from start to finish, you can't pay attention during a conversation, and you have no idea where your keys and wallet are, when uually you know exactly where you put them, then you need to talk to somebody about therapy and medication, both of which work wonders.

If I were to formulate a diagnosis for what I'm going through it would be that I'm a depressed scanner. That's like the double-wammy effect, and I'm here to tell you, the two personality traits (scanning and depression) do not mix well on a daily basis. The fact that my brain "mimics bipolar activity" since my stroke, does not help matters. It has instead reduced me to a scanner who has painted herself into a very dark corner.

So welcome to my world, and welcome to thing one on my "Stick to This" list:

1. Do things while you still hate yourself ... which I guess could be better said as ... Live "as if" while you continue to get through what has been pissing you off. "As if" will become "As Is."

Thirty Days and It's a Habit ...

... I've been working on this concept, I truly have, and today was my "launch day," although I'm still ironing out the kinks and the gist of things, which I'll explain in my next blog entry. But I have been planning this, and I planned with good reason to complete the thirty days on exactly the 30th of April, the meaning of which will be fleshed out as I continue.

Right now, I'm spending the week, some lovely, long goofy event-filled days with my seven-year-old grand-daughter, Ruth.


Ruthie is on Spring break right now from her year-round school. Their school break is quite long, so I took the time to have the "oldest" over for the longest, all three of the grand girls next week, and then the "second oldest," Scarlet, for "almost the longest" prior to the break being over.

The youngest, Lili, I see quite frequently during the week and sometimes overnights, while her sissies are in school, but this far into the school year, they were ready for the break. And I was ready to have some alone time with them too. My daughter reported, "It's a good thing the break is coming because Ruthie and Rae have been riding Lili's butt about how she gets to see you the most!

However, while I'm seeing the girls each on a solitary basis, and once over in a group, as well as for Easter, rinse and repeat, I'm also working on the launch of ... of what!??!?! Of me, I guess, onward and upward and away from the things that have been holding me back, chronically.

I've been making some mental lists, after much introspection and self-evaluation trying to work towards a plan that will reveal a more ... a more what?!?!?! A more authentic me, I guess, but that is such a dated buzz-word way of trying to explain it. Perhaps I'll have my own personal buzz-word/s as I navigate through this.

This week, however, leading up to my "launch," has been delightful, a home spa treatment where I'm covered in little girl goddess germs. It's refreshing to be around young minds and hearts, especially if yo've been slogging through your own murky brain and heart for weeks on end, trying to come up with a meaner greener plan.

With my kids, or my grand-kids, or any kid, I wake up thinking, All I have to do today is show up!


It's that frickin' easy to be.


So it's been wonderfully waking up days on end, into Ruthie's seven year old world, where all I have to do is say, "Good morning, goof girl, what do you want for breakfast?" and she looks at me like I could pull the moon down if she asked for it.


Earlier this week I remarked to a client, since I worked a bit less this week, about how much fun I was having, and then ended it by saying, "I want to go to Amazon.com and order everyone a seven-year-old to hang out with for a week."


To which she said, "You say that about four-year-olds when Lili is there, and ..."


Um, yeah, so, you get what I mean.


Peace out. I have one more day in home-spa "Grandma Annie" land, and then four days to regroup during which I fully intend continue to flesh out some of the things I feel are essential for me to do for "30 days until it's a habit." And I'm also sticking to my other favorite adage, "You are at 80, who you were at 8."


It's all there, the real us, right inside of the stubborn, balking, split personas we futz with ... it just takes time and a healthy reminder or two as to what's at our core!


Peace out, loves.

And as I close this, I give you Goddess Ruth, who today mastered chopsticks!

7 to 47 in milliseconds ...

Believe it or not, this was my first radio, near as I can remember 1969ish, an AM transister run on a 9 Volt battery. I also had a record player, and later graduated to digital clock radio (middle school years), and boom box (high school) with a cassette recorder. (Not an odd jump that I end up transcriber of every word, since it's a lot like listening to music and picking out the exact lyrics.)

But when I was very, very young, it was me and my pink poodle transister which I received one Christmas from my Grandma H. I listened to it late at night, and I remember the trick of licking the battery to see if it had any zap left, because what was a little girl to do when her 9Volt died?!?!?

I always say my music tastes are "ecclectic" and it's difficult for me to pin down my favorite artist, etc. I have the same trouble with books and quite actually a number of things, if I'm hard pressed to list a favorite color, flavor, day of the week or season of the year.

It's possible my many personalities have yet to gel.

When I used to go to the movies with my best friend, she'd always ask, in so many words, "Which character most reminded you of you?"

This started way, way back and kind of ended by the time we hit "St. Elmo's Fire," and she could very easily name which character she was (Demi Moore because no matter what movie, she would pick the "hot" chick), and I identified with a number of them all mixed up together. By the time we got to SEFire, it was 1985, I lived out west, and came home to visit, seeing this movie with her while pregnant with my second child.

It got so it was no fun for her to ask me any more because I was clearly a split every time, always trying to gel all the people together into the person I most felt like I was at the time. And she might have been miffed, because I didn't really like "St. Elmo's Fire" and the brat pack were kind of a bunch of, well ... brats!!! ... or so it seemed to me, since I already had a husband, a child, owned a house and under my faded, untucked flannel shirt, my jeans were unbuttoned because I was heading out of the first trimester of that second pregnancy.

This mixed bag thing happens, though, every time I read a book or watch a movie. I don't associate with any one character, and it's usually from several sides of the fence that I end up seeing things, feeling "connected" on multiple avenues, and then if I have some time on my brain's hand, I go down six or eight side streets.

It is why I enjoyed my second stint in college, because while I focused on English, it too was a mult-faceted major brain tease!

I loved having the excuse to critically compare and contrast everything under the sun. I absolutely love looking into thing at great depth and finding something new each time to critically, compare and contrast to a seeming end ... only to find out that if you dissect the end, you can get right back in the middle of things, and critically compare and contrast until your brain bleeds and cries for sleep!

You can't ask me if I'm a "Lennon or McCartney," "a dog or cat person," or a "futon vs. conventional bed," which by the way, was dating criteria for a guy I dated in the mid 90s!

He was a Cat/Lennon/Futon-type and he was always trying to fit me into that square peg into my ... okay, we won't go there.

At the time, I didn't feel like I aligned with any of the Beatles, I had cats but look who loves dogs just as much, and I've spanned many types of bed situations (which probably is a whole other blog with footnotes).

So, it's difficult to pin the tail on the ass of my multi-faceted stubborn donkey brain and bleeding heart, you know?

Where does this all lead ...

... It leads to me, last night, very few rows back at center stage, seeing the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band live. Who knew things were possible, and who would have imagined that a band I listenedd to a billion years ago on my little poodle radio, would have their stop in our area prior to heading Canada and the rest of their tour.

When they sang, "Mr. Bonjangles," the moment my goofy multi-chambered heart was waiting for, I might as well have been 7 (instead of just turned 47) years old, lying on my Sears white frame bed listening to my pink poodle radio, living in this house.

So, sometimes, for brief seconds, everything gels. You know?!?!?!

A person can be all, yeah, so yellow house/Sears bed/Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, dude!

At 7 and/or 47!

It's all the same thing, except that it very likely isn't.

Okay, everyone critically respond, compare and contrast yourselves silly.

Try it, you might like it.

stroking out in the dark

because of you
i augmented my
lifestyle to half light
and then no light at all
afraid to make a move
or you would find me again,
stop me, dead in my tracks,
paralyzing my movements,
wickedly twisting my words.

i am living,
and yet not,
along the post-traumatic
jaded, off-avenue side streets,
afraid of my own shadow
petrified i'll be chosen
for a repeat performance,
a victim of the statistics,
unable to say my name.

in defiance to you
i fight to regain strength
the ability to face sunlight
with an upturned face,
running as the day streams,
screaming through the locks,
unleashing every dawn,
having rested in the dark,
no more night swimming.

At Best

"Still Life" by the modern artist, Mani de Li .

At Best

After some time,
age-old and seemingly wise,
you begin to understand
that life is a series of
fractured experiences,
with the ongoing goal
of achieving excellent purchase,
unachievable by any means,
all the failed re-approximations
and festering wounds,
proof-positive that
too much time is being spent
on hopes broken beyond
all recognition of dreams.

04/01/04

... I'm working up to something here, stay tuned ...

Seriously, where did the time go?

Ali turned 16 on Thursday. Bekah turned 24 in February, and Carol turns 26 in May! Yeah, and so I turn 47 in 12 days! And seriously, it all went by in, um, yeah, so, say … like a minute!!!!!

We had Ali’s 16th party with her friends, an “Alice and Wonderland Tea Party,” a local Italian place today. We had well over a baker’s dozen of kids there and it was fun to watch them all interact, because once the party got started, I sat at the “grownups table” across the room. And really, that’s where it kind of hits you that the tides are turning. Your youngest turns 16 and the “grownups table” has three chairs, and the “kids table” is huge!

That was three giant pizzas, and Dew and Pepsi for the “tea.” And some of the most creative and memorable presents, and two bouquets of flowers because two of the mom’s essentially said, “It’s her 16th birthday, she should be getting flowers!” It was just all to perfect and thematic and Alice-in-Creative-Wonderlandy.

Then she (Alice) is off and running and overnight at a friends. I take the gifts and the empty cake box home, and then had to run to the grocery story, because I’m having a party tomorrow afternoon here at the house (grownup gals!).

While I was at the grocery store, I ran into someone from high school, and she’s doing a double-take and says, “Do you live in the area now?” And I’m all, “Um, yeah, and so it’s been forever now that I’ve been back.” I mean, I lost track how long it’s been that I’ve been back in ....Wisconsin...., in this county, since it is the very first place I wanted to get out of when I turned 18. I’ve lost track!

We chit-chatted about what each of us are up to, and her kids are actually at the high school now, which I mentioned I thought I saw her from a distance at conferences last year. Her kids are one younger and one older than Ali, when she tells me their ages. And then she asks me, “How old is your oldest?” and I hear myself say, “She’s going to be 26 in May.”

Then I looked around to see who said that.

Twenty-six! What the heck?

And then I fill her in on the rest, “… and my granddaughters are 7, 6 and 4.”

And then I looked around and was thinking again, who just said that?!!?!

It was just too damn funny, and humbling and amazing and, well, humbling and AMAZING!

All I’m saying folks is, whatever you do, in whatever it is that you are doing in your life, and with whoever you are doing it with, DO NOT BLINK.

Did you hear me … DO NOT BLINK. Rinse and repeat!

Peace out!

p.s. This was my favorite quote from Alice's actual birthday on Thursday. We did a little shopping prior to going out to dinner. One of our stops was a craft store because we both wanted some funky new yarn. Then Ali goes, "Mom will you buy me some hemp?" And I'm all like, "Yeah, Ali, it's your 16th birthday and Mommy is going to buy you pot!! Think again."


Oh, they grow up so fast and then the next thing you know they are trying to pull illegal substances over your eyes.

We bought wool instead ... and the hemp, because one of her friends showed her how to "tie shell necklaces" during study hall, and admittedly I was sad that I wasn't "the one who ultimately showed you how to macrame," and at first Ali was all like "what the heck is macrame."

And then the old lady just shut right up and drove.

Rock, Paper, Scissors, Socks ... Pen!

1.When you think about rain, what comes to mind?

Standing naked in the dark wee hours on sandy patch on a property in Blank with Blank.

2.What are you totally terrified of?

Anyone who tries to drill me about information about #1.

3. Name your childhood hero?

I don’t think I had one. Childhood did not seem like a time where anyone was going to swoop in on the rescue.

4.What part of your body is the most attractive?

I have nice shoulders and perky stand on their own breasts.

5.What was the last compliment you gave?

"Oh, my aching I hate you so much!” but I meant it in a nice way.

6.What was the last compliment you received?

"I hate you too!” … okay, not compliments maybe, but terms of endearment.

7.What was the last movie you watched?

”Love in the Time of Cholera.”

8.What do you do with an unmated sock?

When the kids were little, made puppets. Otherwise use them for dusting. Most currently, tie them in a knot and give them to the dog.

9.Do you like wearing odd socks?

Define odd

10.Are you color blind?

Actually yes, when I see people, I don’t see color. However, when I coordinate outfits, pick out yarn and do everything else, I totally see color.

11.Who has really made a difference in your life?

Hazel Margaret.

12.If you could only use one form of transportation for the rest of your life, what would it be?

A pen.

13. My second use for a potato would be to ...

Carve on it and make ink blots.

14.Are you a vegetarian?

No, I like meat too much!

15.What is the first word that comes to mind right now?

Adamant. Adam Ant.

16.What is your favorite CD?

Don’t have a favorite. My music personality is far to split to have a favorite.

17.What is your favorite quotation?

Currently: The witty woman is a tragic figure in American life. Wit destroys eroticism and eroticism destroys wit, so women must choose between taking lovers and taking no prisoners … Florence King

18.Do you believe in hell?

I believe there are several versions of it here on earth.

19.What is an important lesson you have learned about pain in your life?

To a point, like the above-mentioned "hell on earth" kinds of places, pain seems necessary ... to a point. However, good luck finding that "point."

20.What does the world need more of?

Witty woman.

21.What are you looking forward to?

Taking lovers and/or prisoners.